Year of the Carbuncle
by Carbuncle
Summary: I've been here on fanfiction.net for one year! That's almost three years! To celebrate my one year anniversary, I have written this delictable tale for the fans' enjoyment! Thank you, and Good-night!


FINAL FANTASY VII  
  
Year of the Carbuncle  
  
(Open to the 7th Heaven basement. Aeris, Barrett, Cid, Tifa, Yuffie and Vincent are sitting on the couch, each of them has a bucket of popcorn. Cait Sith is behind the couch, and Red XIII is lying on the floor in front of the TV. Cloud runs in with his own bucket of popcorn and sits down on the couch between Aeris and Tifa)  
Cloud: Okay, Red! Stick it in and press play! (Red looks up, confused) The video tape. I meant the video tape.  
Red XIII: Oh, right. (gets up and puts a black tape into the VCR) And... (presses the play button) ...we have lift off.  
Cloud: All right! This is gonna be great, you guys!  
Cid: What the hell on earth is it?  
Cloud: Just a small collection of some funny clips from the past year or so...  
Cid: Talk sense, knucklehead!  
Tifa: Shh! Be quiet, Cid!  
Barrett: Yeah! You're screwin' up the film!  
Cloud: (from the TV) Aeris, I've found a malignant growth on my body!! God help me!!  
Aeris: (from the TV) Um, I think that's your penis, Cloud...  
Cloud: (from the TV) Oh... well I can't say I ever noticed it before. (gasps) What the hell are those things?!  
Aeris: (from the TV) They're your... testicles.  
Barrett: (laughs) Man, that was classic!  
Cloud: It was an easy mistake to make, Barrett. I can't wait until we see you make an ass of yourself.  
Tifa: Just watch the tape, Cloud.  
Cloud: (mimicks Tifa) Just watch the tape, Cloud.  
Tifa: Shut up!  
  
(Cut to the TV screen. A scene from "Hell Ass Kings" plays. Cloud and Barrett are both inside the Wall Market Restaurant, dressed in expensive suits)  
Cloud: Well Barrett, here we are: opening night. The most important night for any restaurant. If we screw up here tonight then people'll never come here again. So everything MUST run smoothly and according to plan, okay?  
Barrett: Everythin' will be #@$%^&* fine, man! Jus' relax!  
Cloud: Okay. (shouting) Yuffie, could you come out here please? (Yuffie walks out dressed in a cute, black and white French maid's outfit)  
Yuffie: You called, sir?  
Cloud: Yes. Get ready to start takin' peoples' orders, 'cause pretty soon this place is gonna be full, baby!  
Yuffie: As you wish, sir.  
Cloud: Oh, and Yuffie, can you try to act French?  
Yuffie: Wha?! Why?!  
Cloud: People'll think we're more sophisticated if you act French!!  
Yuffie: All right! All right! Jeez, calm down!  
Cloud: 'Kay Barrett, open the doors! Let 'em in! (Barrett opens the doors; crowds of people walk in) Yes! Yes! Time to rock the house!  
  
(Cut back to the 7th Heaven basement)  
Yuffie: Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Yeah, I remember that time all right!  
Aeris: Hey! Look! There's my old boyfriend!  
  
(Cut to the TV screen. A scene from "Hell Ass Kings" plays. Aeris and the Man in the Pipe walk into the restaurant)  
MiP: Aaaahhhh! Nice place! Oooohhhh!  
Aeris: Hi Yuffie!  
Yuffie: Take a seat. I'll be with you in five minutes. (Aeris and the Man in the Pipe sit down at table #5)  
Aeris: Isn't this nice, honey?  
MiP: Aaaahhhh! Yep! Oooohhhh!  
  
(Cut back to the 7th Heaven basement)  
Aeris: (dreamy) Such a nice guy...  
Tifa: What ever happened to that man in the pipe anyway?  
Cid: I think he works down at the Honey Bee Inn now. I see him down there most days. (gasps) I mean, Barrett sees him there most days!  
Tifa: Yeah... okay, Cid.  
Cloud: Aw, here's the time I enrolled at Midgar County College. Yep, those were some good, good times. Up until I found out that Professor Hojo was my biology teacher, of course.  
  
(Cut to the TV screen. A scene from "Cloud Goes to College" plays. Cloud is inside the 3F Classroom of Midgar County College. He learns that Professor Hojo is his teacher)  
Cloud: (angry) Hojo! You're the Biology Instructor?!  
Hojo: Yes. Surprised?  
Cloud: Why the hell did you have to teach here?! Couldn't you have gotten a job in Junon College instead?!  
Hojo: Junon College?! You must be joking?!  
  
(Cut to Junon College. The whole building is flooded by the high tide. Students are swimming to their class. Cait Sith is with them)  
Cait Sith: Watch out for the fish, fellas!  
Student #1: Fish?  
Cait Sith: Yep, the fish.  
Student #2: (laughs) Like we're scared of some fish! (a huge shark smashes through a wall and swallows the two students whole)  
Cait Sith: Screw this! I'm gettin' a job!  
  
(Cut back to Midgar County College)  
Hojo: Okay, class. Today we're going to learn all about reproduction.  
Cloud: Oh, crap!  
  
(Cut back to the 7th Heaven basement)  
Cloud: (shudders) If I have to watch anymore of this, I'm gonna be sick. Fast forward it, Red.  
Red XIII: You're the boss, Cloud. (gets up and fast forwards the tape)  
Cloud: Wait! Stop it here! (Red resumes play) This is the time I went over to the Chocobo Ranch for a Thanksgiving chocobo! You gotta check this out!  
  
(Cut to the TV screen. A scene from "A Countdown to Thanksgiving" plays. Cloud walks into the Chocobo Ranch stable. Choco Billy and his sister, Chloe, are inside)  
Choco Billy: (dusts his hands off) What can I do you for, partner?  
Cloud: Uh... I'd like a chocobo for Thanksgiving, please. Is this all you've got?  
Choco Billy: Yeah, uh, sorry. Most of our best ones went within the first few hours of their arrival.  
Cloud: I can't take any of these chocobos back to my friends for Thanksgiving!  
Choco Billy: Well I'm afraid these are the only ones we've got, partner.  
Cloud: Fine! I'll take my business elsewhere then!  
  
(Cut back to the 7th Heaven basement)  
Cloud: Heh... I went out to catch my own chocobo soon after. (to Tifa) Impressed?  
Tifa: No, not really. You came back with that awful mu, remember?  
  
(Cut to the TV screen. A scene from "A Countdown to Thanksgiving" plays. Cloud walks into the 7th Heaven bar and presents the party with a dead mu)  
Cloud: Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!  
Tifa: What... is that??  
Aeris: ...I suddenly don't feel so well. (swallows hard)  
Barrett: Ya really messed up this time, didn't ya Cloud?!  
Cloud: ...aw, shut up, Barrett!  
  
(Cut back to the 7th Heaven basement)  
Cloud: At least it tasted okay.  
Tifa: No it didn't. It gave poor Aeris food poisoning. In fact, I'm surprised she's still alive.  
Aeris: My immune system is built to fight these sort of things.  
Barrett: You don't know the half of it, Aeris.  
  
(Cut to the TV screen. A scene from "A Countdown to Indigestion" plays. The shrunken Highwind flies up inside Aeris's nose. Cid turns on the headlights)  
Barrett: Gross! Okay, let's get this over with! Which way to the stomach?  
Cid: (pushes the ship's lever) Straight down! (the Highwind shoots into Aeris's stomach; a zinc battery is inside the stomach acids) All right! Here's the plan: we switch on the giant magnet that I attached to the bottom of the Highwind, pick up that old battery, and get the hell outta here! Everyone fine with that? (the party nod their heads in agreement; Cid turns on the magnet and its force pulls the battery from the stomach acids)  
Party: Woo hoo!  
  
(Cut back to the 7th Heaven basement)  
Cid: Dang! All outta popcorn! (stares at Cloud)  
Cloud: Don't look at me! I'm not sharing!  
Cid: Aw, c'mon!  
Cloud: No way! This is all mine!  
Tifa: Oh Cloud! You're always like this when it comes to sharing!  
Cloud: What do you mean?  
  
(Cut to the TV screen. A scene from "Midgar's Funniest Home Videos" plays. Cloud, Barrett, Tifa and Aeris are in the 7th Heaven basement, watching TV)  
TV: Welcome to "Midgar's Funniest Home Videos!"  
Barrett: I don' get it... why the hell we watchin' this trash anyway?  
Cloud: Aeris and I sent a video in! If they show it, we get 10,000 gil!  
Barrett: Ya gonna share it wit' your friends though, right?  
Cloud: Uh, sure, sure, whatever.  
  
(Cut back to the 7th Heaven basement)  
Cloud: (to Tifa) What the hell are you talking about?! I would've shared the money with you if I'd had won!  
Tifa: Cloud! You did win!  
Barrett: Yeah, me an' Tifa were there when it happened. And we didn't see any o' that money.  
Cloud: I told you before: the check got lost in the post!  
Tifa: If that's true then how did you afford to pay for us all to go to Sephirothland?!  
Cloud: What the?! That was down to you, Tifa!  
Barrett: That's right. You used the money Aeris earned from table top dancin'.  
  
(Cut to the TV screen. A scene from "Sephirothland" plays. Aeris is dancing on the table, in her underwear, at 7th Heaven. Lots of horny men are watching her. One of them slips her 50 gil)  
Aeris: Hee hee! Thank you, sir!  
  
(Cut back to the 7th Heaven basement)  
Aeris: (spits out her coffee) How'd you know about that?!  
Barrett: Nothin'. (whistles innocently)  
Red XIII: This past year has been filled with laughter... but it's also been filled with sadness too. Mainly due to the death of loved ones.  
Cloud: You mean the time Tifa accidentally drove her new car into Tseng of the Turks?  
  
(Cut to the TV screen. A scene from "Tifa Lockheart in: Hit 'n' Run Like Hell" plays. A small, green car drives down the motorway. Zoom in to see that the party are inside the wreckage on wheels. Tifa is at the wheel and is extremely pissed off due to the whinning in the back)  
Cloud: Swap seats with me, Barrett.  
Barrett: No way! (Tifa's hands grip really tightly around the wheel and she frowns in anger)  
Cloud: Aw, c'mon! Don't be mean!  
Barrett: Up yo' ass!  
Aeris: ...side to side, side to side!#  
Tifa: (turns to face all her friends) SHUT UP!!!! (the car hits something on the road; Tifa slams on the breaks and stops the vehicle immediately)  
Aeris: (nervous) Wha-What was that?  
Tifa: (nervous) I-I don't know...  
Barrett: (normal) Then get out the car an' check, missy! (Tifa opens the car door and gets out; moments later, she returns with her eyes and mouth wide open in horror)  
Cloud: What was it?  
Tifa: Uh...  
Aeris: Tifa?  
Tifa: Uh...  
Barrett: #@$% this! I'll go an' see for myself! (gets out of the car)  
Aeris: What did you see out there, Tifa?  
Tifa: I saw... I saw... Tseng.  
Cloud: Tseng? You mean, Tseng of the Turks?!  
Tifa: Yeah... I've... I've killed him, Cloud. He's dead.  
Cloud & Aeris: What?!  
Barrett: (gets back into the car) You guys are not gonna believe who I jus' saw!  
Cloud: Tseng... we know. Tifa told us.  
Barrett: #@$%! Then why didn't ya tell me instead o' makin' me go out there an' look at that?!  
  
(Cut back to the 7th Heaven basement)  
Red XIII: No, no, no! Not him! Nobody cares about him! I was referring to Grandpa!  
Cloud: Grandpa?  
Red XIII: My Grandpa! Bugenhagen!  
Cloud: Oh. Him.  
  
(Cut to the TV screen. A scene from "Red XIII in: Grandpa's Last Stand" plays. Most of the Final Fantasy VII characters have gathered around the Cosmo Bonfire in Cosmo Canyon, for Bugenhagen's funeral. The Reverend Roland is also there)  
Reverend: ...and so we say good-bye to Alexiou Bugenhagen Hagen (a shot of Cloud, Tifa and Aeris, teary-eyed) who will be sorely missed by his family, (a shot of Red XIII, crying) and his friends. (a shot of Barrett and Cid)  
Cid: Why'd you pan to me!? I didn't even like the guy!  
Reverend: Let us bow our heads in a moment of silence and reflect on how Bugenhagen touched our lives. (everyone closes their eyes) God bless you, Bugenhagen. May the Lord hold and cherish you.  
  
(Cut back to the 7th Heaven basement)  
Cloud: That funeral was worse than that monster that lives inside our couch. (suddenly, Aeris is pulled through the back of the couch; the sound of her flesh being ripped apart can be heard as she screams) ...Hmm, perhaps I over-exaggerated just a little there.  
Yuffie: Hey, you guys. Do you remember the first time Aeris was brutally killed like that?  
Cloud: How could we forget...  
  
(Cut to the TV screen. A scene from "Final Fantasy VII" plays. Aeris is praying on the altar, in the City of the Ancients. Cloud approaches her and draws his sword. He swings it above her head)  
Tifa: Cloud! Stop!!  
Yuffie: What are you doing?!  
Cloud: (throws his sword down) Ugh! What are you making me do?! (Aeris looks up at Cloud; Sephiroth drops down from the sky and pierces Aeris's stomach with his sword)  
  
(Cut back to the 7th Heaven basement)  
Cloud: That was the first time she met an untimely death...  
Tifa: ...but not the last.  
  
(Cut to the TV screen. A montage of Aeris's previous deaths fill the screen. A picture of Aeris on her chocobo grows to full size on the screen. The chocobo digs its claws into the ground and sends Aeris flying forwards into a hard wall. This is followed by more scenes: Aeris, soaking wet with a towel around her, turns off a TV, and then gets electrocuted. Aeris puts a Chocoball in her mouth, swallows, chokes and then finally dies. Aeris takes a sip of some kind of potion; Barrett begins to speak when he is interrupted by Aeris coughing up and eventually collapsing, dead, on the floor. Aeris is pulled into the mechanism of the 7th Heaven pinball machine's secret elevator. Aeris yells and explodes from the inside; her organs spray everywhere. Aeris's body is thrown out of her future house's kitchen due to an explosion. Aeris, in a wheelchair, gets her head ripped off by a HeadHunter creature. Red XIII swings his flammable tail around and it brushes against Aeris's dress; she burns instantly and then turns into black ash. A huge bookcase falls on top of Aeris; her blood squirts out from underneath. A bandersnatch creature jumps on top of Aeris and rips her body to pieces. Barrett accidentally shoots Aeris with his gun-arm. Aeris is pulled apart by a group of crazed fans during her "Lucky Five" days. Galian Beast jumps on Aeris and rips her insides out. A piece of the ceiling falls down on top of Aeris during a New Year's party. Aeris falls through the floor of her house. Aeris is strangled to death by her evil twin, and then devoured by Tifa's evil twin. Aeris is ripped apart from the inside with a large needle by her unborn demon child. Aeris is strangled by a vein which shoots out of her own head. Aeris has a seizure when she sees Cloud in his underwear. Jenova breathes on Aeris; she then melts. In Gaia's Cliff, Aeris is sliced into two by a falling icicle. Aeris is thrown off a pair of water skis into the sea and swallowed by a great white shark. Aeris is sucked from Cid's rocket out into space; Yuffie and Tifa watch from inside the rocket as Aeris's head expands and then pops. Vivi Ornitier accidentally lights Aeris's body on fire. A piece from a stone pillar at the Gold Saucer crumbles and falls on top of Aeris. Yuffie pushes Aeris off the railway track on Mt. Corel; she falls to her death. Vampire bats attack Aeris in the Shin-Ra mansion's basement. Aeris climbs into Yuffie's chimney and jumps up and down on the bag of presents inside; she then falls through. Aeris runs and jumps off Cosmo Canyon. Aeris's sinks to the bottom of the ocean due to her gigantic breast implants. Aeris slips off the top bunk bed in prison and strangles herself on a piece of rope tied around her neck. Cait Sith touches his stuffed moogle lightly and Aeris's limp body falls out of the back. Aeris is hacked to death by a group of students, led by Professor Hojo, with a sharp, rusty rake. Aeris turns off the electricity in 7th Heaven's electricity generator; she then fries to death. Reno of the Turks throws a knife into Aeris's chest. Don Corneo throws a switch and electrocutes Aeris, who is strapped to a table in his mansion's basement. The Man in the Pipe hits a pillar with his hand, which crashes down on top of Aeris. A piano drops from above and lands on top of Aeris. A metal pipe falls on Aeris. The Midgar Zolom swallows Aeris whole. A rollercoaster shoots down a track and pulls Aeris underneath. Aeris casts Bolt 3 on herself and dies. Aeris, in a hospital bed, takes Chris's gun, puts it to her head, and pulls the trigger. Barrett shoots Aeris. Tifa shoots Aeris. Cid shoots Aeris. Yuffie shoots Aeris. Vincent shoots Aeris. Locko shoots Aeris. Sephiroth shoots Aeris)  
  
(Cut back to the 7th Heaven basement)  
Cloud: Well guys, I'd say we've had a pretty action packed year this year.  
Tifa: I'll second that. So much has happened.  
Cait Sith: Yeah, but it has been fun, huh?  
Barrett: Depends whatcha mean by 'fun'.  
Red XIII: It has had its moments.  
Vincent: You can say that again.  
Red XIII: It has had its moments.  
Cloud: (takes the video out of the VCR) Would anyone object if I burned this thing?  
Party: No.  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
